Lindsay Lohan has set a goal for herself, to win an Oscar by the age of 30. ¬†I think she should set her goals much higher than that. ¬†How about a Bachelor’s degree? Or a Master’s? ¬†Medical school? Humanitarian aid? ¬†Okay, enough lecturing. ¬†If an Oscar is what she wants, let’s figure out how she can get there.
1. Stop with the plastic surgery and hair dye. ¬†Oscar doesn’t seem to take well to plastic surgery people – think: Peter O’Toole. ¬†Most of those who have tampered with their great looks have long since won their Oscars — Faye Dunaway, for instance. ¬†So, look like you did in Mean Girls — natural red hair, normal looking lips and you will do just fine. ¬†Remember: Oscar voters want to sleep with their nannies and schoolteachers, not porn stars. ¬†They want to be able to sleep with you but also respect you in the morning.
2. Stop with the Terry Richardson photo shoots, the late night Red Bull partying, the fashion slave behavior. ¬†Don’t be paparazzi fodder or the next thing you know you’re Sally Kirkland. Think: respectable. ¬†Break up with Marilyn Monroe. ¬†Following her career plan is going to get you nowhere. ¬†Having millions of admirers the world over has its drawbacks when it comes to winning an Oscar.
3. Rehab is a great start towards becoming the comeback kid. ¬†This is a great platform should you ever really need it. ¬†Rehab, jail time – it all amounts to having a “hard life.” ¬†Never underestimate the power of people rooting for you if you turn your life around. ¬†But it only goes so far. ¬†Sean Penns will always beat Mickey Rourkes.
4. Play the character everyone thinks you really are: a ruined child star, a tabloid fixture, a drug addicted star on the rise. ¬†Look that devil right in the eye. ¬†Then play an admirable character, like someone dying of cancer, or a single mom with a child dying of cancer. ¬†Remember, they will not vote for you if they don’t “like” you, no matter how good your performance is. ¬†Winning an Oscar is like running for political office. ¬†The more you build your own respectability, the better chance you have.
5. Once you’ve done all of those things, once your become respectable again, then do a role where you are naked and having sex. ¬†That seems to go a long way with Oscar voters — but only when it doesn’t come easily. ¬†They like Helen Hunt in a wet t-shirt being a good mom. Natalie Portman trying to find her inner black swan. ¬†It’s tricky business, winning an Oscar.