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Ballots Closed, and Now a Word from Your Sponsors


The Oscar race is to muggles mostly a beautiful illusion. We all cheer the gods and goddesses as they amble their way down the red carpet, stuffed into spanx, the third day of their Master Cleanse, trying not to look too nervous.  It will be a splendid affair, complete with our own Jack and Jackie — or Most Beautiful Couple in Ben and Jen and the awards will bestowed upon the favorite.

Behind all of that, though, are the people who really do all of the dirty work. The Oscar publicists. They drift in and out mostly invisible. No one knows who they are and I’m not going to expose them now. But any actor knows that before you go out in public at least five people help to get you ready.  With Oscar movies there are dozens of them tracking our dumb, sometimes hateful tweets, working overtime to turn their contender into Oscar gold. The shit they must have to deal with, the rewards they hardly get — and when those trophies are handed out it is the only real confirmation of their hard work. Yes, Virginia, there is more to a win than just people watching the movie and voting. There is a lot more.

So here’s to the hardest working people in the Oscar race who make their contenders look so good.  You deserve at least half of the credit. But of course, if anyone ever dares thank you publicly, as Hillary Swank did, they will be shamelessly ridiculed because, of course, they must have actually earned their win. But there should be an Oscar for Best Campaign.  I’d love to see some of these invisible people take some credit for a change.