Murky and overcast with a 60% chance of shitstorm.
Gotta love Roger Ebert when he’s merciless:
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination…
The battle scenes are bewildering. A Bot makes no visual sense anyway, but two or three tangled up together create an incomprehensible confusion. I find it amusing that creatures that can unfold out of a Camaro and stand four stories high do most of their fighting with…fists. Like I say, dumber than a box of staples.
Realizing Revenge of the Fallen isn’t worth any more of his time or vocabulary, Ebert ends by throwing the words of other critics at it:
I looked up the first [UK] reviews as a reality check. I was reassured: “Like watching paint dry while getting hit over the head with a frying pan!” (Bradshaw, Guardian); “Sums up everything that is most tedious, crass and despicable about modern Hollywood!” (Tookey, Daily Mail); “A giant, lumbering idiot of a movie!” (Edwards, Daily Mirror). The first American review, however, reported that it “feels destined to be the biggest movie of all time” (Todd Gilchrist, Cinematical). It’s certainly the biggest something of all time.
Across the street from the Sun-Times, the Chicago Trib’s Michael Phillips says, “Fox’s cleavage is the only camera object that catches Bay’s attention for more than a millisecond.”
Sign my petition? Less Megan Fox. More Tyrese Gibson.
(click to enlarge me)
26 Responses for "Ebert’s rock ‘em sock ‘em Transformers review"
That`s a hot shot of Tyrese! Anyway, I don`t care what Ebert or other critics say. He loves Columbus Potter, nuff said, aside giving thumbs up to some J-Lo shit,etc. Transformers 2 never aimed to impress critics. It`s military porn and Bayhem, duh! I`m concerned about Car Car Binks, Turturo`s fugly ass in close up (why couldn`t it have been Tyrese`s hot bum?) and fan reports that it`s actually boring and overlong. But I have my tix so i`ll know tomorrow. Loved the first one.
The film is getting bad reviews all over the place, but who goes to see Transformers for the plot anyway? right?. The first one didn’t get the best reviews, but I still enjoyed it.
Did any of us expect this movie to be a piece of art? I am sure the kids will love it, big kids and small kids alike. We are talking dollars here not critical acclaim. Tyrese gets my vote Ryan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFwgSudv0Fg
This review seems to pretty much sum up the film…I didn’t see the first one in the theaters (I waited until they showed it at my university.) but since I graduated it’s either see it now or wait for the DVD. I have to admit I’m curious…HBO it is.
The people above me just continue to prove why America is full of DUMBSHITS. Ryan, Sasha, why didn’t you post anything about the RACISM in this film?
No, no need for more Tyrese. Just more Megan will be fine. Couldn’t you have been accomodating and put up a similarly posed photo of her, just to be fair?
Actually, the first film got pretty good reviews. And was pretty good (given that it was about invading toys from the ’80s!) It had charm and likeability and big Michael Bay action (in the best sense that that can occur) and a really hot chick photographed well but not pornographically. And there must have been some degree of craft on it because it got several predictions of victory in three of Oscar’s tech- categories.
What it didn’t really have was a plot or characters that I was dying to see again. That really is sort of what’s needed for another 2.5 hours of the same.
Sorry Ryan. Can’t sign that petition.
I don’t swing from that side of the plate.
I heard that the IMAX version runs a little longer. It better be more footage of Megan Foxxx.
Dion
Racism? Explain?
I think Dion means the stereotype ghetto Stepin Fetchit accents several of the robots have. Accents they apparently picked up by listening to radio programs broadcast decades ago.
Here’s the thing. I haven’t posted a single article about the Transformers sequel all year — or ever — until today. We’ve talked about a lot a junk movies and had our fun trashing them, but this one seemed way beneath our dignity, even for us to poop on.
Sometimes the best way to hurt a freak who’s begging to be pissed on is to …not piss on him. I posted Ebert’s review only to help demonstrate our snub has been justified.
But if anyone wants to talk about the racism or anything else that disgusts you (or pleases you) about this movie, then here is as good a place as any.
Personally, I won’t be able to participate, since I haven’t seen the movie and don’t intend to. It was only a few days ago that I finally saw parts of the first Transformers on HBO HD. All I can say in its favor is that the video resolution was quite sharp.
Metacritic scores of the dozen worst-reviewed movies of the year, so far:
43 X-Men Origins: Wolverine
42 Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
41 Knowing
41 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
40 Dance Flick
38 12 Rounds
37 Year One
34 Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
34 My Life in Ruins
32 Land of the Lost
25 Obsessed
xx My Sister’s Keeper
Notice we haven’t posted anything about any of these — except for the Roger Friedman/Wolverine leakage, and a little bit about Knowing. (Knowing is not without some merit, and I still owe Alex Proyas for the hours of thought-provoking fascination he gave me with Dark City.)
So for all the mocking I’ve gotten for publishing items about Twilight or Watchmen, you’ll find there’s a limit to how low I’ll go.
(I liked Watchmen and Twilight. Both better than Drag Me to Hell. So my personal opinion doesn’t always match up with the critical consensus.)
Award snobs don’t like mindless action? I am shocked, shocked I tell you. lol, I don’t read Awards Daily to hear about mindless fun that I know they’re going to whine about, quit posting about it and go back to giving a BJ to the next indie drama to come along.
Remind me again who’s whining, Matt.
Isn’t this you whining about The Dark Knight a couple of weeks ago? And who’s this whining about Bruno?
I hate to say this, but WHERE is Afrika when you need him?
I mean really, racist bots? Who knew?
“(I liked Watchmen and Twilight. Both better than Drag Me to Hell. So my personal opinion doesn’t always match up with the critical consensus.)”
Ryan – Just because a movie is more comfortable with its gayness, doesn’t mean its necessarily better. With that logic, XANADU is more awesome than STAR WARS. I mean come on man.
Watchmen was comfortable with its gayness? That flew right over my head. Can’t wait for the director’s cut so I can have 40 minutes more lines to read between.
and, just so I’m clear on what you mean… Drag Me to Hell was uncomfortable with its gayness?
I don’t want to alarm you, RRA, but maybe you think about gay stuff a lot more than I do.
Case in point: You’ve seen Xanadu, and I haven’t.
Of course the reviews are bad. The first one was not awful, but I sure didn’t expect Michael Bay to keep the quality with the sequel (oh God, I just said quality and Michael Bay in the same sentence). But just because a film is mindless action doesn’t mean the film has to be mind numbingly awful.
And yes please to more Tyrese.
“But just because a film is mindless action doesn’t mean the film has to be mind numbingly awful. ”
Flower – Sure…for anyone else but Michael Bay. I’ll give Bay credit in that he’s consistent. Consistent at shit!
“I don’t want to alarm you, RRA, but maybe you think about gay stuff a lot more than I do.”
Ryan – What, you already forgot about WATCHMEN? Here is a clue to bring you up to speed: Blue Cock.
WATCHMEN was pointless, and TWILIGHT I don’t have time for. DRAG ME TO HELL I must say, a good time. Legit scares, some good laughs, and Raimi never pussied away from the right ending. You know, unlike WATCHMEN.
Oh and Ryan…”Case in point: You’ve seen Xanadu, and I haven’t.”
I counter-quote….”What doesn’t kill you, will make you stronger.”
I think the problem is, with the first movie it was kind of a “catch-all-make-everyone-happy” kind of summer movie. Where every cliched storyline, every single stereotype of an action movie was milked to surprising effectiveness.
Upping that ante just makes something that was slightly annoying become ingratiating.
And is too much to ask for a little fight choreography? I have fucking HAD IT with CGI.
“I think the problem is, with the first movie it was kind of a “catch-all-make-everyone-happy” kind of summer movie. Where every cliched storyline, every single stereotype of an action movie was milked to surprising effectiveness.”
Can’t that be said of every Michael Bay movie?
Really, I love how people grow amnesia everytime Bay has a new movie out.
Legit scares, some good laughs, and Raimi never pussied away from the right ending.
ok, so you get scared and amused a lot easier than I do. One “drinking old lady’s vomit” gag was enough for me. That wasn’t funny or scary to me the first time, or the third time.
I counter-quote….”What doesn’t kill you, will make you stronger.”
touché, but if you think blue cocks are gay, you need to stop watching Smurf porn.
Avatar talk back, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! reports from Amsterdam are through the roof.
This was one of the WORST “films” I’ve ever seen. I work for tips delivering pizzas durring the school breaks, so money isn’t an option. I paid my ten dollars, got an awful seat, surrounded by white trash and people that love to talk during movies. Is this what my country has come to? Not only accepting, but LAUGHING and CATCALLING what was on screen? RACISM, STEREOTYPES, SEXISM is what you get when you see this. Megan Fox is treated like an object in this movie. Purely to be looked at and admired. We’re just supposed to OOOO and AHHH when she’s on screen. Any self respecting woman would have called Bay out for this. But not Megan Fox. She doesn’t care about any of that. As long as she gets her money right guys?! Then we get the twins. An old, beat down ice cream truck, which has “Suck My Popsicles” written on it. *rolles eyes*
They curse, don’t know how to read, speak in ebonics, have wide noses and big ears, and yes…GOLD TEETH. And there I was, surrounded by African Americans openly laughing and enjoying what was on screen. So we have woman treated as objects and eye candy, black stereotypes, and then… PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Same as any Bay movie, no need to report on that. Once we get to college, then stars “Popular Rock Song #1″, “Popular Rap Song #2″. Every single woman is sweaty, with huge cleavage and a tan, filmed in slow-motion, perking their lips at the screen. They’re dogs for Bay’s pound. “Ah mommy I want that one!”
Btw, the performances were awful, save Shia, (who I find charming in a dorky way, sue me). The lighting made no sense. (why is that oil tanker covered in blue, red, green and yellow?) The writing is embarrassing. BUT HEY BRO ITS GOT EXPLOSIONS AND GIANT ROBOTS FIGHTING EACH OTHER!!!!! No thanks.
I know this is badly written and I’m rambling. I fully expect to get made fun of for how badly written it is. But this was one of the worst theater experiences of my life. I just couldn’t stay there. I was embarrassed for the cast and crew…I was embarrassed just being there… I had to leave. And I did.. If this were Fear Factor I would’ve lost, I only made it 30 minutes.. I just didn’t care. And neither should you. Skip the DVD, skip the HBO, just stay away..or you’ll be forced to rant like I am. Shame on you Mr. Bay for being a racist, sexist MORON.
True what you say about Roger Ebert, when he’s merciless, especially since he LOVES about 95% of what he sees, almost never issues a bad review, and has issued the masterpiece verdict more than anyone in history.
But he’s a passionate film lover, and a resilient, charismatic person, who you gotta love.
Of course TRANSFORMERS will be junk incarnate. That’s a given.
“you need to stop watching Smurf porn.”
Alright thanks for the Advice
“True what you say about Roger Ebert, when he’s merciless, especially since he LOVES about 95% of what he sees, almost never issues a bad review, and has issued the masterpiece verdict more than anyone in history.
But he’s a passionate film lover, and a resilient, charismatic person, who you gotta love.”
The thing with Ebert, those Star scores of his are irrelevant. He’s said so himself. If anything, he rather not use them if he didn’t have to or was expected or whatever nonsense.
I think what matters is what he SAYS about a movie, than the stars on top.
Take his YEAR ONE review, where he gives a faux-examination of why Harold Ramis….a dude who once upon a time scripted/acted/directed some good comedies like GHOSTBUSTERS and STRIPES and ANIMAL HOUSE and GROUNDDOG DAY……ended up making a piece of shit like YEAR ONE.
Which is a good question to, I might add.
Yeah, he also gave THUMBS DOWN to:
“Blue Velvet”
“Full Metal Jacket”
“Die Hard”
“The Usual Suspects”
Not that I’m comparing “Transformers 2″ to those movies, just stating that, it’s all opinion. Critic reviews are amusing to read, but a critique has NEVER changed my mind on whether I wanted to see a film or not.
-UJ
How about they just get rid of Meagan Fox entirely and quit with the lame, obvious attempts at sex appeal and instead focus on crafting an interesting story? I mean, yeah, she’s a good looking girl, and fine, Tyrese is a good looking guy, but seriously, is this a Calvin Klein ad, or a movie about alien robots?
Solid series don’t have to rely on sex appeal or millions of dollars of explosions to make them compelling, i.e The Godfather, LOTR, Star Wars (the original 3), Indiana Jones, etc.
This movie says “DVD rental at best” to me.
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