Defamer’s Richard Rushfield pokes some good fun at the efforts to help boost the ratings of the telecast — I kind of agree with this first one. Let’s face it, “fixing” the Oscars has never really worked. I have long believed that it isn’t the show but the films and the star power that matters. Bigger stars, more popular films is probably the way to go. And by popular films that doesn’t necessarily mean not-as-good-as-their-indie-brethren. It just means films many Americans have actually seen before the broadcast airs. Here is Rushfield:
EMBRACE THE KIWANIS WITHIN
Oscar is never, ever going to win over these kids today, so go with your strength. Lead with the stodgy; you’ll play well to your base and once every decade and a half, catch a retro wave. These days the Hollywood establishment is the aging Baby Boom generation, who are bound to actually become cool one of these days.
Host: Billy Crystal
Producer: Jeffrey Katzenberg
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Braveheart
Opening Number: A Rockettes lead a musical tribute to the films of screenwriter Ron Bass, high-stepping to the greatest moments from Rain Man, Snow Falling on Cedars and Dangerous Minds.
Clips Reel: A complete recap of The Today Show reporting the weekend grosses every Monday morning of the past year.
Log Line: This IS your grandfather’s Oscars.
It’s funny but I’m telling you, it’s true.
DRINK THE GLOBES UNDER THE TABLE
The reason why the Golden Globes have held their own against the declining Oscars is liquor. The dinner setting of the Globes show has traditionally meant well-lubricated winners making some of the more free-wheeling, demented speeches of awards season. Well, two can play at that game. Mandatory tequila shots and forced picks from the mystery wheel of amphetamines for all attendees.
Host: Jack Nicholson
Producer: Ben Silverman
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Couples Retreat
Opening Number: Stars careen to their seats on a giant Slip ‘n Slide placed down the aisle.
Clips Reel: The best moments of buddy comedies, guys who love to laugh with each other.
Log Line: Come and Get It!
Yes, again, funny. Here’s the thing about the Globes, though – they have TV stars and all of America can play along because they have seen the shows. They like the movie stuff but they tune in for the TV stuff. Am I wrong? Please tell me I’m wrong.
The comments are worth reading as well. Okay, so we might as well play the game too, although unless Ryan starts posting this isn’t going to be very funny. I don’t do funny. I do sloppy and I do tired but I don’t do funny. I’m just not funny. Anyway, here goes, after the cut.
The Political Oscars
Host: Larry King
Producer: Lowell Bergman
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Capitalism: A Love Story (first doc ever, etc.), alternate, The InsiderOpening Number: a grim rundown of the state of our economy, from California to Washington, DC., narrated by that Frontline guy.
Clips Reel: Capitalism: A Love Story, Sicko, Bowling for Columbine, Fahrenheit 911
Log Line: Save the Oscars, Save the Economy
Bonus Feature: all of the actress presenters must present topless.
Okay, so maybe the political Oscars would finally kill the beast at last.
13 Responses for "Defamer’s Guide to Saving the Oscars"
The Academy should stop trying to pander to the younger demographic the tweens – young adults will never come to the Oscars in large numbers. Titanic was an anomaly. Highest grossing film of all-time, the Leo lovers, etc.
This will never happen but if a Twilight film or film of its ilk ever is really good and in a 10 nomination year would get nominated, how much of a boost would the Academy get from a young audience? I don’t see it as significant in this youtube/twitter/facebook A.D.D generation.
Those who want to tune in will tune in. Sure, if The Dark Knight was nominated in ‘08 there would have been a boost but that was a rare opportunity. Those that tune in are:
A) The Oscar buffs, film buffs, afficionado’s who go see all the major films and circle the date five times on their calendar
B) Those going to an Oscar party, interested in the movies but not necessarily obsessed like category A. C) The casual viewer who will tune in just on the night. Has seen a few of the picture nominees, and just interested on the whole.
D) There’s the people who are interested in a category or two or just to see the Best Picture winner.
is it to early to officialy call Amelia the big flop?
Having lived through Oscarcasts of the 60s and 70s, I believe that stodgily produced shows still can draw ratings. Of course the playing field has changed, as noted above.
I yearn for liberal sprinklings of old Hollywood glamour. Aging stars who can still walk and talk.
If the Academy were reckless enough to select an unpredictable or controversial host, that might help, too. Kathy Griffin would be ideal — though not realistic. Would like to see what Jack Black might accomplish. Queen Latifah would be a compromise (she plays the game well), but still well worth watching.
The People’s Choice Oscars
Host: Miley Cyrus
Producer: Mark Burnett
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Transformers Revenge of the Fallen, alternate, Knowing
Clips Reel: Blooper Out takes from Hanah Montana: The Movie, The Proposal, Paranormal Activity
Log Line: Oscar: the other Jonas Brother
Bonus Feature: No one over 30 allowed to be nominated or present.
Scratch that Bonus Feature and make it more Burnett worthy: Losers do a post loss testimonial a la Tribal Council where they lambast the Academy for essentially voting them out of the award.
AWARDS DAILY HIJACKS THE OSCAR
Does anybody love the Oscars more than us? To earn our very own customized Oscar broadcast, a nationwide worldwide grassroots campaign takes place in the comments to prove our readers’ expertise. AD wins by ruthlessly crucifying other movie blog opponents with withering put-downs, strategic link trumping, and shady stats compiled from MoJo and IMDb.
Host: NPH. If you can’t identify him by his initials then you’re new around here.
Producer: Scott Rudin
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Shutter Island, sight unseen, write-in protest vote
Opening Number: “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do. Period.” a competitive duet between Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet, as they reenact the climax of every Best Foreign Language Film since 1956, playing all the roles and nailing every accent.
Clips Reel: Bootleg trailers from youtube. Blink and you miss ‘em, they’ve been removed.
Halftime Show: Instead of a Best Song mashup, Manola Dargis and Rex Reed do dramatic readings from the year’s most controversial metacritic reviews.
Log Line: The Trick is Not Minding, So Quit Yer Bitchin’
(ahaha! KGB!)
“Anything You Can Do, I Can Do. Period.” a competitive duet between Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet,
I’d like to see that one.
For peat sakes, just nominate the top ten highest grossing films of the year. Those are the ones that draw the most crowds. traditional bio-pics, comedies and dramas are failing. Science fiction/thrillers/foreign films/fantasy/action and adventure/animation attract the mainstream.
How about getting rid of the 10 televised awards shows and 50 red carpet parades that take place before the Oscars?
There is nothing special about the Oscars anymore because the same fanfare how surrounds all of the other awards shows of the season.
We see the same actors and films winning. No surprises, no suspense It’s a completely tired story by the time the Oscars rolls around.
I don’t know what the solution is, but it isn’t to keep moving the Oscars earlier, unless they move it to December.
The other awards shows are ruining the Oscars, plain and simple.
sasha, you can do funny. you can do it all.
and when i get that ghostwriter i’ll chime in on the path i think the oscars should take. and thanks for the defamer link. it’s a gem.
The Holy Crap where is your oscar? ceromony
The biggest mistakes and dissapointments are rectified.
Host: Alan Rickman
Producer: John Landis
Ideal Best Picture winner: Citizen Kane edges out Pulp Fiction
Opening Number: Steve Martin Comes out and sings the Oh God song…
Oh god, what were we thinking, oh God what were we drinking, when we chose Titanic we were really sinking… Oh God what was the booze, Oh God when we did choose, for Gwyneth to win and Cate to loose… etc..
Clip Reel: John Cusack introduces the best clips for the greatest never winners, Peter O’Toole in Lawrence of Arabia, Donald Sutherland in Ordinary People, Cary Grant in Bringing Up Baby etc.
Log Line: For the loser in all of us
Sasha you’re crazy if you don’t think you can be funny.
People keep complaining about the lenght of the show – if they didn’t have a commercial break every 10 minutes, the whole thing would be much shorter and much less boring.
They’ve tried the ‘tween-appealing’ route before – having Miley Cyrus & Rob Pattinson presenting. It obviously hasn’t worked. Maybe they could have the Glee kids do a medley of Oscar-winning songs (now that could actually be fun).
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