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Law & Order: Special Emailgate Unit

Hard to imagine what’s happening behind closed doors as meetings convene for the EmailGate hearings. Is it more like Judgment at Nuremberg or Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I’m thinking 12 Angry Men or the blowjob impeachment. However the Kafkaesque trial proceeds and whatever the verdict, Movieline has some suggestions for the penalty to be paid. A couple of my favorites:

On-Air Humiliation
To demonstrate that they realize the race-compromising magnitude of sending that inappropriate e-mail, the entire Hurt Locker team should be forced to introduce a show-stalling montage of Oscar’s Most Overblown Campaign Scandals. The extra five minutes tacked on to the telecast’s running time will not only enrage thoroughly uninterested home viewers, but serve to remind the Academy members in the audience about how outraged they were that time Gwyneth Paltrow cornered a dozen voters after a Shakespeare in Love screening and prattled on about her deep personal connection to Twelfth Night for two straight hours. And in the event of a Hurt Locker Best Picture win, their statuettes will be presented wearing tiny paper bags on their heads, a symbolic reminder of the shame they’ve brought upon the Academy’s tradition of awarding their highest honor to only the most halo-polishingly virtuous of Hollywood citizens.

Death By Jimbo
As Avatar was the competitor most directly harmed by Chartier’s rules-flauting e-mail (Oh,how many tears were shed after not only seeing the inaccurate $500 million budget number co-opted as a campaign weapon, but sneered at as a sign of awards unworthniess!), the producer needs to make amends to the two-time box office King of the World himself. Chartier should submit to wearing one of James Cameron’s head-mounted, proprietary emotion-capture cameras to the Oscar ceremony, so that in the event of a spiritually devastating loss to Team Pandora, Cameron can digitize his foe’s agony, which he can then replay on a giant screen above his desk in an endless loop.

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