Comedy Central recently greenlit a show for comedian Hannibal Buress, who plays Lincoln on Broad City. So does this mean Ilana’s fuck buddy dentist will be leaving the series? If “Coat Check” is any indication, there are other fish (to fuck) in the sea. Well, fish that look specifically like Ilana.
Abbi and Ilana are working coat check for their recently Americanized buddy Jaime. While Ilana should be working (of course, she’s not), she spots a beautifully, curly-haired woman (Alia Shawkat) and feels an immediate connection. They do a slow-walk, eye fuck, ala Natalie Portman in Closer.
“I just saw the hottest girl. I have ever seen,” says Ilana. “We had the most incredible spark. You’re right. I have to find her.”
“I didn’t say anything,” says Abbi.
Ilana abandons Abbi to find hot girl. She leaves Abbi with a bunch of coats but no coat tags, which makes Abbi’s end-of-the-night coat retrieval interesting.
“Who’s got a Marc Jacobs pea coat?”
Two women, one short and one tall, claim this coat. When Abbi says she has a small and a medium, both women say, “Small,” including the tall woman. Abbi knows this woman’s pain (her huge feet, after all) and quietly shames her into taking the one she came with—the medium.
Then, Abbi says, “Who’s Chanel jacket?”
And another woman comes running up to claim it. However, it’s a trick. There is no Chanel jacket. Abbi was just testing her.
Ilana finds the beautiful woman, and after they sniff each other like dogs, the two start making out.
“Hi, I’m Adele,” she says. Then, a waiter with canoli walks by, and they split the canoli like Lady and the Tramp.
While Ilana meets her ideal woman, Abbi meets America’s sweetheart, Kelly Ripa, at the end of the night. In the coat check retrieval process, something has gone wrong, and Ms. Ripa’s coat is missing. Because of the mistake, Abbi vows to get it back.
The next day, Ilana can’t stop talking about Adele. She had her first simultaneous orgasm just by kissing someone. However, before Abbi gets to meet the infamous Adele, they need to track down Kelly Ripa’s coat first.
The first place they go to is Maureen’s. With the leftover coat from last night, Abbi asks if the coat Maureen took home was actually the wrong one. Maureen says no—that’s her ex’s coat. She actually is having an orgy because she just broke up with said ex. She gives them the information to track him down and also some of his stuff in a box, including Civil War reenactment stuff.
They track down the ex (David Wain), and he tells her that he and Maureen are just on a break. After they tell him that he has Kelly Ripa’s coat, he admits he’s an enormous Ripa fan and that he can’t give the coat back. Abbi tells him he has to give it back, before grabbing a Civil War pistol from his box of things. She tells him to drop the coat or she’ll smash the artifact. He surrenders.
“Jesus. Who are you guys?” he says.
“Your worst nightmare,” says Abbi.
On their way out, Ilana tells him that Maureen was hosting an orgy.
Finally, things are going well for the ladies. Abbi has Kelly Ripa’s coat, and now she’s going to meet her best friend’s new love interest. Although Ilana is usually pretty secretive. The only reason why Abbi met Lincoln was because Ilana forgot she was with him.
Abbi meets Adele, and Ilana and Adele make out again. Adele says she feels like she knows Abbi. Abbi feels like she knows Adele, too.
As Abbi leaves these two lovebirds, she hugs Ilana, saying: “Dude, she looks exactly like you.” Ilana is visibly alarmed.
Adele and Ilana start doing the mirror image thing, one arm up, one arm down.
A Ripa’n Good Time
Later, Abbi looks like she’s headed to a fancy restaurant to go on a date, dressed in a cutesy dress, but she’s actually just going to take Ms. Ripa her coat. When Kelly lets her in, Abbi is shocked to see that Kelly, too, is a huge Bed Bath and Beyond fan, with a stack of coupons in a bowl.
Back on Ilana’s date, Adele and Ilana are once again making out, although Ilana is concerned about what Abbi told her earlier. She soon discovers they both wear HH bras, and is startled to learn they have the same exact tattoo (oh wait. . .that’s just Ilana’s arm).
Ilana wants to turn off the lights, but Adele wants to see her cute, little face. Ilana sees herself going down on herself (another strange Natalie Portman moment, only this one is Black Swan), and it gets weird (even though the biting was dope). Ilana tries to put this delicately.
“It came to my attention that we look exactly alike,” says Ilana.
“Yeah, no shit,” says Adele. She thought that was what Ilana was drawn to in the first place.
Ilana tells her she has sex with all kinds of people opposite of her, with innies/outies, Catholics even. She doesn’t necessarily want to have sex with herself (although she loses her vision when Adele finds her G spot immediately). When Ilana offers her pot, Adele admits she doesn’t smoke, which gets her booted. Dealbreaker.
Fucks. They’re the Worst.
Back at Kelly’s, Abbi and Kelly finished a bottle of wine, and then Kelly cracks open moonshine. There are gift baskets everywhere.
“Strahan wants to switch sides on the show,” Kelly slurs, which is why he’s buttering her up with gifts.
Kelly takes one of the gift baskets and throws it out of a multi-story window. When she comes back from taking a whiz, she expects to see the other basket out the window. Abbi scrambles, trying to figure out what to do with the basket. In the kitchen, she finds a closet with a dominatrix outfit and sticks it in there.
Buckle up, buttercup. When Kelly returns, she breaks into recreational drugs. She’s America’s good girl, but she literally doesn’t give any f***s. Abbi admits she hates fucks. They’re the worst.
The two of them are doing stretches on the hardwood floor when two buff prostitutes come in. Realizing that she’s out of her element, Abbi says she hasn’t waxed her body in a while, and thanks Kelly for the drugs and stuff. Kelly is bummed. She ordered Domino’s for after.
Later, back at home with Ilana, Abbi contemplates whether she should have f***ed that prostitute. They don’t care if you’re waxed or not, after all. Ilana says she can make it happen if she really wants a prostitute. For real? Ilana grabs Abbi’s phone. Abbi wants to pick her alias name to use. Ilana admits she doesn’t know any prostitutes.
“Do you know someone you could call to make the call? says Abbi
Clearly, Kelly has changed her.
What did you think of “Coat Check”? Do you think Hannibal Buress should get his own show and Ilana should explore other relationships? Do prostitutes really care whether you’re waxed or not? Would you ever date someone who looked like you?