Face it. If there were one character on Broad City who would do porn, it would be Trey, the Soulstice trainer. Despite his tip-top physique, he’s not so strong emotionally. It’s not surprising he was desperate enough to venture down this path (after all, he lost his hat in Zach Braff’s Kickstarter movie).
Not wristband material
“Kirk Steele” opens with Ilana settling in for a nice afternoon of pleasuring herself, complete with a full-length mirror on top of her, a laptop full of porn to her right, and a smiling photo of Abbi off to the side (eww!). Just when she’s about pickle her diddle, she recognizes Trey’s face.
Meanwhile, Abbi is trying to look for another place to work, since she’s still stuck as just a cleaner at Soulstice. At a bar, she applies for a job and is told that “it’s just putting wristbands on people—a f***ing idiot could do it.” Yet, just seconds later, the bouncer guy tells her, “I don’t think you’re wristband material.” Abbi leaves, frustrated.
Aside from her work at Deals Deals Deals, Ilana also is apparently a part-time babysitter for an affluent mother (Amy Ryan). The overprotective mother provides Ilana with a list of appropriate places she can go to pick up food for little Oliver. Like Ilana is really going to listen (Momofuku? Yolo?).
As if the idea of Ilana watching over your child isn’t frightening enough, she’s also instilling life lessons on poor Oliver at a coffee shop (“Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. Rihanna.”), where Abbi eventually meets her to discuss the big piece of news Ilana has for her. Abbi asks what everyone’s thinking: “This kid’s parents know you’re watching him, right?”
Ilana pulls up her laptop, and before she goes any further, Abbie stops her. Abbi refuses to watch porn in a coffee shop, but Ilana assures her that EVERYONE is watching porn. When the camera pulls back, it reveals blurry, censored laptop screens.
Ilana tries to remember the website where she’d seen the big piece of news. Was it Average Size Penis Jerk? Abbi says usually when she wants to watch porn she just Googles “porn,” which may be why she doesn’t like watching it.
Then, Ilana pulls up “Porn Pantry Now,” and reveals Trey “solo-ing” it (that’s the only kind of porn Ilana likes to watch). Abbi wonders what she’s supposed to do with this piece of news. Ilana tells her to use it, bitch. This is how she’s going to become a trainer.
Kirk, is it?
The next day at Soulstice, Abbi is sitting on a machine, eating chocolate-covered pretzels, when Trey comes in and asks her to clean up some bloody shit in the bathroom. Abbi refuses, getting into a faux coughing fit before revealing her middle finger. Trey says that’s for after-hours. This is business.
“Is it, KIRK?” – Abbi
Trey realizes she knows his secret and pulls her into her office (which is really a maintenance closet).
Abbi says this isn’t her office. Trey says of course it is—everything in there is hers, including a picture of her and her childhood pug (which may be the most adorable photo ever).
In order to prevent Abbi from revealing his secret, Trey offers to go down on her, but Abbie resists. What she really wants is to teach a class. Trey reluctantly agrees to let her teach the kettlebell class.
Cha-chinga! Abbi finally gets to be the teacher. As our favorite cleaner comes bounding into the studio, ready to train, she grabs the kettlebell and accidentally tosses it right into the mirror behind her. A mirror that costs hundreds of dollars. When she tells Trey, he’s panicking. He’s going to get into trouble for letting her teach a class she wasn’t qualified to train. He needs her to get him $700 by the end of the day to replace the mirror.
Abbi heads home and immediately grabs for the Chex Mix, picking apart certain pieces of it and grinding it up. How is she going to get $700? She starts snorting the Chex Mix mix, coming up with different scenarios of how she’s going to get the money to replace the mirror. Then, it dawns on her: Beacon’s Closet.
$13,000 in credit, $900 in cash
Beacon’s Closet is basically Plato’s Closet (or any snooty vintage exchange place you’ve ever been to). Broad City nails what it’s like to take your clothes to such an establishment, with a hipster looking down her nose at you as you bring in your once-favorite items to try to make money off of them.
In this case, Abbi is trying to sell a few items, including her grandmother’s apothecary bag. However, she doesn’t make very much money. Ilana and Oliver meet her there to help, but leave with her frustrated.
Soon, Abbi is selling her original art in the street, including paintings of celebrities’ favorite foods (Phil Collins eats pretzels and Ron Howard likes shrimp—who knew?). One includes a tomato with Bruce Springsteen written above it. A bystander asks her whether Bruce Springsteen actually likes tomatoes. Abbi says she didn’t know; it’s just art. The man gets very angry about it and storms off.
Ilana has to take Oliver home, and when she gets him there, Oliver talks his mother into donating a bunch of clothes to the homeless. When Abbi questions him about why they’d do this, he tells her this is how Abbi can get her money from Beacon’s Closet—through his mother’s high-end clothing (“Do the homeless like Prada?”).
“Looks like the student has become the teacher,” says Ilana.
Oliver replies with, “Yes, queen!” and Ilana weeps tears of pride.
Back at Beacon’s Closet, Abbi returns with Amy Ryan’s clothing and does her best Pretty Woman, telling the pretentious hipster she made a big—HUGE—mistake when she treated them like crap last time. In the end, Abbi ends up earning $13,000 in store credit or $900 in cash. She takes the cash and also buys back her apothecary bag for $200.
Later that night, Trey and Abbi sneak into Soulstice and replace the mirror, but not before Trey finally gives her permission to teach Regina’s class, since you know, she’s been missing for 48 hours.
The next morning, Abbi comes into the studio pumped to teach her new class. . .which is for the geriatric audience. When one of the participants spills her prune juice, Abbi tells her to relax—she’s the cleaner; she’ll get that later.
What did you think of “Kirk Steele”? Would you let Ilana babysit your child? Do you think Abbi will finally get to do some more training instead of cleaning? Will you ever eat Chex Mix the same way?
