Broad City “The Matrix”: Always a Bridesmaid… In a Stretcher at a Dog Wedding

The Broad City girls channeled a bit of Garth Algar in the cold open of “The Matrix,” with Abbi playing drums for the band “Razor Burns” and Ilana doing her best Meg White for “Pussy M.D.” They played exceptionally well in their collective imaginations, until the clerk brought them back to earth (“No. I’m not serious. I work here. And I need you guys to leave”).

But this isn’t an episode about the girls living out their dream of being Karen Carpenter. It’s actually a bit of commentary on society’s dependency on technology.

After the ladies spent hours upon hours locked into their laptops and phones, they are startled to discover that they were doing this while being in the same room. They had completely forgotten the other one was there! They chastise each other for their addiction to being connected (“Rip the plug out to go to sleep. Rub one out.” – Ilana) and soon decide to completely disconnect for a few hours while they attend a dog wedding.

Yes, a dog wedding. As stupid as this plot device is, I love that Broad City never tries to explain this event. It’s just happening. Get on board.

Before Ilana completely shuts off the phone, Lincoln, who looks great in themed clothing, gives her a call, asking if Ilana remembers the rings. Of course she does—they’re on Abbi’s feet. And Ilana decides that something else needs to go on Abbi’s dogs: Rollerblades. Via these contraptions Ilana secured following Hurricane Wanda, they need to take their time getting to the wedding and enjoy the scenery (“Nature is seriously amazing!”). Abbi struggles getting the blades on, due to her huge feet, but forces them in nonetheless (kind of like what she did to Male Stacy in the season premiere).

At first, Abbi and Ilana are really enjoying their time in the Great Outdoors (i.e., Prospect Park). But then they spot shirtless boys playing soccer.

“If I had my phone right now, I’d Tinder the f*** out of them.” – Abbi

Ilana encourages her to Tinder them IRL (in real life). Why does she have to be behind a phone in order to connect with a hottie? After cat-calling the boys via Ilana, Abbi finally gets their attention when the ball comes her way. She goes to kick it—on Rollerblades, mind you—and wipes out on her ass.

Abbi decides that she sucks without the Internet. She wants to go back into The Matrix. She doesn’t want to interact in real life with men and people. However, she soon finds herself in some Carrie-Anne Moss when she rolls herself right into a hole in the woods (her feet were too small for the blades—THAT’s what happened). She’s sprained her ankle and can’t get up.

Like Timmy in a well needs Lassie, Abbi needs Ilana to get help. Ilana offers her some dope to smoke to heal her pain, plus one fig. Eventually, Ilana gets her bearings and plans to go find the dog wedding to get help.

The dog wedding is underway, with veterinarian Janeane Garofalo officiating. Except the chee-uaua is getting cold paws (yes, it’s a real thing). Lincoln is loving the whole atmosphere of the wedding (“Don’t tell Ilana”), meanwhile, his f*** buddy is trying to figure out where the damn event is. She stops an innocent bystander and asks where the wedding might be, explaining that it’s somewhere near the lake. The man tells her the lake is huge, which causes her to scream.

Soon, Abbi starts smoking and gives herself dream scenarios of where she’d rather be.

“Dinner with Elijah wood. [. . .] No! Just dessert!” – Abbi

She also gets to go to an extravagant flea market with Mark Ruffalo and Turks and Caicos with Taye Diggs.

Doo-doo ninja Ilana ends up picking up dog doo and smelling it in order to try to figure out where this damn wedding is. She also drags her ass across the grass like a dog. Then, she hugs and makes out with a tree. And,well, it gets a little more intimate when she fingers it and a bunch of sap comes out.

Down in the hole, Abbi starts going through Ilana’s bag, which consists of an endless chain of different colored hankies like something a clown would have. Two foreign people end up finding her, but can’t communicate with her (“I think he’s hurt,” the woman says in her native tongue). They snap a photo of Abbi on their phone before leaving.

At the wedding, Atticus and Poppy’s dads are holding the pups while Janeane Garofalo officiates the service (by the way, the bride is wearing Vera WAG). Just then, Ilana comes blading in and objects. She needs help. Abbi’s stuck! (“She always has to make it about her,” says Elliot).

Poor Abbi has completely devolved, talking to the fig Ilana left her and pretending that the other items from Abbi’s bag are on “American Idol.” She provides a critique of each item before sending them to Hollywood (complete with the AI music).

When Ilana and the gang finally find Abbi, she’s using Ilana’s backpack as a diaper.

“I was gone 25/30 minutes tops,” says Ilana, disgusted with the state Abbi’s in.

Lincoln, the dentist, spots Abbi’s ankle and offers medical advice, which causes veterinarian Janeane Garofalo to chime in and argue why she’s the one who’s really fit to offer such professional insight.

Later, the pups do get married, with Abbi off to the side in a stretcher with two EMTS. But then suddenly it dawns on her. She’s forgotten someone very important: the fig! The episode ends with a shot of the lonely fig still in the hole.

What did you think of “The Matrix”? Could you go two hours without using your phone? For East Coasters, did seeing NYC in the summer make you nostalgic for a season without snow? And most importantly, when will dog marriage be legalized?

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