I bet when First Lady Michelle Obama came up with the “Let’s Move” campaign she didn’t envision a bunch of drag queens stroking melons.
But in Monday night’s “Glamazon by Colorevolution” episode (the first of two in a Rupersized series), Mrs. Obama was the inspiration behind Mama Ru’s first challenge of the night: queens man-handling fruits and veggies while adorned in bright press-on nails.
As BenDeLaCreme stripped a banana, pulling each layer apart seductively, Ru yelled out, “One skin, two skin, three skin, four skin.” Laganja Estranja ended up being the best at this challenge, which was probably as objective as a breathing contest.
But the main challenge of the night was filming a 30-second cosmetics commercial, with the ladies split up in pairs. While Ru would probably tell you that they were randomly assigned partners, CLEARLY producers set up one pair with the idea of generating some fireworks: BenDeLaCreme and Darienne Lake, who’ve been rivals in recent weeks and created some awkward tension during Ru’s work room interrogation.
Each couple had a theme: BenDeLaCreme and Darienne were Cougars, Laganja and Adore were Mean Teen Girls, Bianca Del Rio and Trinity were Working Girls, and Courtney Act and Joslyn Fox were Hot Stay-At-Home Mamas.
Trinity, who’s about as painless to work with as a tucked appendage, gave Ru some ‘tude during the work room scenes.
“I don’t want to sell you any promises because I don’t know what’s gonna happen when I get up there,” said Trinity.
“I’m trying to drag—pun intended—you out,” said Ru.
When it came down to the actual commercial performances, one would think Courtney Act and Joslyn Fox would be a match made in heaven, especially since Joslyn admitted that she was a bit starstruck by Courtney Act, and they seemed to get along better than the other pairings. However, when it came for their session with Ru and Michelle Visage, the two were a little too much like the Real Housewives: vapid and without dimension on screen. Yet, Courtney Act thought they nailed it, while Joslyn realized that this Australian bigwig was kind of a big bitch.
In BenDeLaCreme and Darienne Lake’s Cougars segment, Darienne channeled Kirstie Alley quite well, even if the ladies seemed to tackle more of Courteney Cox’s face instead of what it means to be in Cougartown.
Adore and Laganja ended up winning the challenge for their Mean Girls spot, which probably should have gone to Bianca Del Rio and Trinity, especially since Trinity got rid of the marbles in her mouth, and Bianca looked lovely on the runway (Ru: “That is quite an impressive tulle, I might add”).
Speaking of the runway, judges Lainie Kazan and Leah Remini served as observers to the black and white theme, with standouts like Courtney Act literally serving fish on a platter, and BenDeLaCreme giving good peacock, with an intriguing neckpiece stemming from her shoulders like branches.
Surprisingly, rivals Darienne Lake and BenDeLaCreme ended up having to lip sync for their lives, as many gay bars and hag living rooms collectively held their breaths, since BenDeLaCreme is kind of an unofficial frontrunner this season. Just when you thought Ben was headed back to Seattle, Ru announced that she wasn’t going anywhere just yet, much to the chagrin of Darienne Lake.
Shade of the Week:
“Like my Rachael Zoe voice?” – Laganja, in reference to her “Match Game” persona
“No.” – Michelle Visage
Lip Sync for Your Lives:
Darienne Lake versus BenDeLaCreme
Sashay You Stay:
If you were wondering when the claws were really going to come out this season, look no further than the second episode from last night, “Drag Race Queens of Comedy.” It seems that almost every queen was pitted against someone at the top of the episode (Darienne vs. DeLa! Bianca vs. Laganja! The audience against their DVR settings!). Were the producers trying to amp up the dra-ha-ma? Or were they just looking for another excuse to make this work room look like Nomi Malone-Cristal Connors Showgirls bootcamp? Well, throw some pearls on the stage, hunty, because these queens were ready to throw down!
For this week’s mini-challenge, RuPaul had our queens lip sync—laying upside down with their chins through a curtain. In case some of these queens were concerned they wouldn’t make it to the top three, they discovered a new talent within themselves: dragging up their chin! The only time in the competition where hair on the chin is very much wanted! Joslyn Fox gyrated her chin the most (grinding her teeth in her sleep, no doubt!) to win the challenge, and Ru told the queens that their main challenge was to write and perform their very own comedy routine titled “Drag Queens of Comedy.” For winning the mini-challenge, Joslyn got to pick the order in which the queens performed.
This was a challenge that separated the girls from the women. (Well, the men dressed as girls from the men dressed as women.) The energy in the work room was really interesting. The big, pink, shaved elephant in the room was that Bianca Del Rio is an insult comic. Would anyone be able to hold a candle to her? More on that later! The feud between Bianca and Laganja continued when Bianca noticed that Laganja was sitting under a table to rehearse her comedy routine while wearing a “No Smoking” table sign on her head. Okaaayy…
RuPaul came into the work room to check on her girls one last time, but before she left, she dropped a (disco) ball on the contestants. They would be performing their routines in front of a live audience of senior citizens and each other. The shade of it all! Would Adore Delano be able to hold back the F-bombs? Would Laganja tone down her pot-centric routine? Would Trinity be articulate?
When it came to the actual routines, there were some surprises and some REAL cringe-worthy moments. Here’s how it went with some of the best zingers of the night:
Darienne Lake: “My name is Miss Darienne Lake. I like to say Miss because it lets the boys know I’m single. Course my 14 cats and my appearance on “Hoarders: Buried Alive” let’s them know I’m single.”
-”I’m here representing the big girls. I’m trying to lose weight, but at the gym I’m like a ninja. You will NEVER see me there.”
-”I asked my mom, ‘Why am I so twisted? Did you drop me on my head when I was a baby?’ And my mom replied, ‘You have to be held to be dropped.’”
Courtney Act only really told one joke, and it was about her Australian background: “As you may have gathered from my accent, I’m from Idaho.” Courtney decided to play on her strengths and sing a song about the “mean gays” from West Hollywood.
Adore Delano decided to lean on that effing crutch and drop F-bombs and other profanities throughout her entire routine about her mother. It didn’t really make any sense, and you could tell the elders in the audience weren’t buying it. BenDeLaCreme decided on a routine that focused on her, and apparently no one told her that she was supposed to be funny. Her routine droned on and on until someone in the audience yelled out, “So, tell us a joke!” and DeLa quickly scurried off stage. Since we’re talking about epic train wrecks, Laganja barreled through an entire diatribe about how much she loves marijuana. If it was uncomfortable for the viewer at home, it must have been exponentially worse for the old bitties within striking distance. It’s not exactly clear which was worse: the pot profanities or Laganja’s hot pink afro. Joslyn Fox was present at the Drag Queens of Comedy, but her routine was so forgettable that the only thing that sparkled was her pretty dress. And that was even a bit dull.
If we want to discuss most improved, it would have to go to Trinity K. Bonet. Everyone expected her to fail (with good reason), but she was funny! Behind all of that complaining and that ugly clip-on ponytail, she could let a joke land. Who knew?!
-“We were Good Times poor. The only time we had an opportunity to eat was when my mom read from a cookbook. Oh, how many nights I got full off the roast beef on page 27. Unfortunately, my sister got an ear infection and starved to death.”
Let’s talk about Bianca Del Rio. She was a force to be reckoned with, so let’s just gag on her bitchy goodness, shall we?
-“I’m so excited to see the cast of Cocoon tonight!”
-”My mother is from Cuba, and my father is from Honduras which basically means I have a large dick, no credit, and I have a big tendency to take things that don’t belong to me.”
-“My mother insisted that we stay true to our Spanish heritage so my first words were (knock knock), ‘Housekeeping!’”
Guest judges Jaime Pressly and Bruce Vilanch praised Bianca up and down, so it wasn’t a surprise that she won the main challenge. There were a lot of tears on this runway, and we’re talking, “Judy Garland has died all over again” tears. Adore started shedding some because she swore she’s better than what she turned in this week, and Laganja cried over that ugly pink hair. Oh, that’s what she should have cried over. Laganja felts underappreciated, and the mascara ran. Luckily, Ru talked the girls back up and got the audience back on track to enjoying the show. But not before announcing that Laganja and Joslyn Fox were in the bottom two.
As Joslyn and Laganja performed to Pink’s “Stupid Girls.” it was a bit too tough to call. We’ve never seen Joslyn perform before, and she can poke fun at herself. Laganja immediately ripped off her wig (sigh) and danced her padded ass off. The best moment of the night, however, was when BOTH girls landed a split on the same beat of the music at the same exact time. After the song was over, Laganja breathed a sad, small, “Don’t send me home” to herself. For a brief moment (as small as a sequin), there was sympathy. Either Ru didn’t hear her, or she was over Laganja’s exaggerated antics, because Laganja was sent home.
We have only seven queens remaining. Halfway done, kids!