The weird thing about awards season is that people have to “like” you to vote for you. Even if you’re playing a horrid creature, the “like” part of it is a driving force. I personally believe that when people vote they feel like they are giving a gift to someone. And usually you want to give gifts to people you like, or appreciate, or want to thank. This isn’t always true; sometimes one has to acknowledge greatness no matter what. But in a season where there are so many great performances, how does one choose?
One notable thing that happened last night at the Critics Choice Awards: Mo’Nique knocked it out of the park. Charming, charismatic, generous, humble, funny. That should put to rest of the nonsense about her no-show these past few weeks. Meryl Streep and Sandra Bullock were both funny and gracious, hitting all of the right notes. Their speeches and treatment of each other seemed to diminish the rather degrading idea that there have to be winners and losers at all. Watching people lose is never fun – and VH1’s camera loved going there, didn’t they? They loved training the camera on someone who had just lost.
The two wins I personally enjoyed the most were Kathryn Bigelow‘s win for The Hurt Locker and Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds. Waltz is just so great in the movie that it would have been a tragedy if he didn’t win. And Bigelow – such a tall drink of water, nervous and “about to cry,” standing up there and making history — what a moment. Bigelow’s speech, by the way, was perfection. She is an intelligent person to begin with, but she is so gracious, deflected credit almost completely, and thanked the major players.
Here are a few tips I can give to people currently campaigning for awards, based on my own observations over the course of ten years watching the race. The first thing to know early on is that awards acceptance is like an audition. You get up there and you accept your early award and voters think either “yeah, what a well deserved win that was. Way to go.” Or they think, “who does this prick think he/she is?” Or they think “I shaved my legs for this?” So it’s either a slam dunk, an irritant or a waste of everyone’s time.
That is a hell of a lot of pressure — and all of this should be taken with a grain of salt; after all, we are just talking about silly film awards. Who gives a cuss? Big picture: no one should give a cuss. The only people who should care are those concerned with helping a movie do better by making back some of the money, or promoting an unknown director, or furthering a cause (like abuse, the war, poverty, etc.)
Doing it for personal gain is usually the last reason to do it. No doubt, egos want the win. But wanting the win for ego’s sake will result in a loss. You’ll just have to trust me on this.
So, the way to win awards is to be gracious, unbelieving, humble, a little freaked out – imagine that you are in bed with a lover for the first time and they are doing things to you. Do you want to just lie there and act entitled? Or do you want to make noises and writhe around so that they believe they are giving you pleasure? I know, gross, but hang in there with me. Pretending to like it even when you don’t is key.
1. The Gesture.
Here is a move I think works, and one that people like Tom Hanks always do. Hold the statue as if it is the Holy Grail. Gaze lovingly downward at it as tears fill your eyes. The subtext is “oh my god, I can’t believe this.” And then suddenly remember where you are and get down to the business of a speech.
2. Deflect Credit
“I am only standing here because…” “I owe my life to ….” The gratitude part should not go on and on. Random names are a waste of everyone’s time. Save the random names for the Oscars, should you ever get there. Send nice gifts to those you forgot to thank. Connect your thanks to specific names for specific reasons. Like, for instance, Quentin Tarantino had an opportunity to thank his recently departed ex-partner for helping him get where he is today. In one fell swoop Tarantino could have erased any negative publicity that story has caused him, brought the whole room to tears and ensured his own Oscar win. It’s cynical to think this way, but these are my own cold and heartless observations about the nature of winning and losing. I don’t know the full story, but neither does anyone else. Either way, Tarantino thanked his actors for getting it right. I feel quite certain there were other people he could have thanked. The bottom line with Tarantino, though, is that his script is so good, and his movie is so good maybe none of this matters at all. He might just sail through these awards saying and doing whatever he pleases. This is far from an exact science. Think of it along the lines of Astrology.
So, remember: never take any credit. Never ever. You are a lowly worm offering up your humble graciousness for others to judge you for many different reasons. And above all – acknowledge the other people you just beat.
3. Brevity is the Soul of Oscar Speeches
Do not wear out your welcome. You must not do so. Too short of a speech will result in a wasted opportunity – give the audience SOMETHING. A profound quote by a great writer perhaps, if you have nothing else to say. But once you hit the two minute mark you’ve already been on stage long enough unless you have a speech that brings the house down. Trust me, there was a reason Dustin Hoffman beat all of those other actors back in 1980.
Sit at home and count to 60 and you’ll know that a minute on television is really quite long. More than three minutes and it becomes a filibuster. So, here it is so far: Get up on stage, gaze lovingly at the statue, tears well up in your eyes — then, switch into gear. Deflect credit, thank key people (not a list of random names), do not forget your spouse or significant other, keep deflecting credit, keep acting stunned and amazed — you are a lowly worm. Don’t overstay your welcome.
4. Desperation is a Tender Trap
Save the really seriously profound speech for the Oscars. You have to know your audience. Have perspective. Both the Critics Choice and the Golden Globes (more the former than the latter) aren’t considered really big enough to warrant the tears. The SAG, the DGA, the PGA, even the BAFTA – now you’re getting into serious awards territory. Don’t look like you want it too much. Don’t run up there like you’ve been on a cleansing fast for ten days and someone just laid out the pork and beans. Remember, you didn’t expect to win at all. How could they possibly have voted for you? But since they did vote for you, you have to thank everyone who got you there — not everyone, just the key people. But don’t act like the Critics Choice people are the AMPAS. They aren’t. The Globes aren’t even the AMPAS. But the Globes are slightly higher up on the pyramid so it can be a really big moment and it wouldn’t be too embarrassing. “I’d like to thank the Broadcast Film Critics, or I’d thank to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press…or I’d like to thank the Screen Actors Guild. Specific voting bodies require specific recognition. After all, you are there because THEY voted for you.
5. Make Them Laugh, or Make them Cry, or BOTH
One should never underestimate the power of humor at a time like that. Ideally, you want to leave the spectators either laughing or crying. A good speech always contains: something funny, something profound, something naughty maybe (especially if you are a woman). If you are accepting awards while a tragedy has recently occurred — you must refer to it while counting yourself lucky to not be enduring such a tragedy and to be enjoying an embarrassment of riches. Watch Tom Hanks talk about the AIDS crisis. If all else fails, pull out one last move. The Roberto Benigni freak out, for instance. Emma Thompson being Jane Austin. If voters they are going to see something special on stage they just might go for it.
In the end, none of this advice is to be taken seriously. We just do it to amuse ourselves. In truth, awards season shouldn’t be about any of this stuff. It should be about the most deserving getting the most votes. An actor could do everything exactly right leading up to the Oscars and still lose. In fact, some actors who didn’t campaign at all and never won a single award leading up to the race still managed to win the Oscar.¬† There are no guarantees and it is a brutal contest, a horrific game. No one should ever be faulted for choosing not to play.
In the end, one must feel for those who are already being judged on their work and whom now must be judged on their “campaign performance.” It really isn’t fair.¬† But perhaps, in the end, it is about something bigger than one’s own accolades. It is a win for the film, the studio, the publicists and the fans. So perhaps that is a way of looking at it that makes it all go down with a spoonful of sugar.
