Sometimes you see a performer align so perfectly with their material that it makes you look at them in an entirely new light. I have been a fan of Sarayu Blue’s for a number of years, and she always brings an incisive wit and impeccable timing to her comedic roles. As Hilary Starr in Lulu Wang’s Expats, however, she plays a woman who thinks she’s fine with the façade of her life. The more she struggles to hold onto what she thinks the wants, the more her existence crumbles and, ultimately, she discovers that she should’ve been basking in her own truthful light this whole time. It’s a carefully constructed performance, and the best of Blue’s career.
Why do we assume that all women should be built for motherhood? We are way too used to placing that pressure on women no matter their background or their circumstances, and Hilary thinks that she needs to have a child to hold onto her slipping marriage with Jack Huston’s David. After Margaret and Clarke lose their son, Gus, Margaret lays into Hilary in an emotional moment and says, ‘My pain is worse than anything you can imagine. You are never going to understand why I do what I do or tell you what I feel because you’re not a mother.’ That feeling of uncertainty is something that Hilary has to grapple with all the time.
“I felt similarly,” Blue says. “Lulu doesn’t shy away from the deepest, most uncomfortable moments. I love that Margaret says that, because, so often when I am watching a movie, I want to ask a character what they really want to say. That’s how we are in life, right? We may not say it, but what we know what they are thinking. It’s such a painful moment for Margaret that it comes out of her. It’s one of those moments where people have thought, ‘It is harder for me, because I am a parent.’ That’s an experience that some might have, and some child free people might be able to understand that. As someone who is child free, I found Hilary’s storyline to be so resonant. It was so exciting for me to watch this woman genuinely have all these moments where she wasn’t sure, and I think it’s interesting to let a character live in the in-between. I am someone who questions a lot and I like to feel my feelings, and that can make people uncomfortable. People want to solve tricky questions and make troubles go away. I love watching this character who is questioning to David about whether having a child is what she wants. She looks at Margaret and thinks, ‘What if my life is what I want? Why can’t I live my life this way and be considered a whole woman?’ Hilary’s journey is so ambiguously human in the most honest way.”
In a way, it’s almost as if the friendship between Margaret and Hilary can withstand that truth, but it’s also a strong example of how we don’t know what each other is going through. We hide so much from each other–even our closest friends. We assume we can only dole our harsh realities when we think they are ready to hear them.
“During that moment, Margaret has no idea that Hilary wants to tell her about David’s affair,” she says. “The friendship is so fractured at that point, that she can’t say it. It makes me think about those moments in life that we take things so personally and we don’t know that somebody is going through something horrible. There’s so many major life things happening for almost everybody that we can’t take that into consideration. That compassion is something that very important to Lulu.”
When Hilary discovers that David is drinking again, she follows him into a bar and takes a seat. She doesn’t say anything at first, but it leads to a confrontation where she says, ‘I’m trying to save our marriage. Am I the only one?’ Her brow is furrowed, and someone else in the bar had to have heard her words.
“It’s so often that we only see the answers, and that’s how we are in life.” she says. “I got so many texts from friends after that episode aired and people were mad that Hilary went back–it was hilarious. How many people do we know that go back to that? It’s terrifying to get back out there, wrestle with your demons, and do all the painful work. Hilary wanted to stay in the status quo, and they will figure out. She was even willing to get pregnant. It’s all very human, and that’s Expats. In episode five, when Hilary says fuck off, it’s the same thing. Here’s a woman saying to a man that she doesn’t get to fuck it all up and enjoy life. I get burned at the cross. Lulu does this powerful thing where she’s going to show you the truth. Let us all see it.”
I couldn’t help but notice that Hilary expels reactions to things when she is in public. When she finally confronts her father for his years of abuse, it’s in his hospital. She is forced to have truthful conversations with her mother in a stuck elevator with a neighbor close by. When she accidentally learns about David’s infidelity, she is buying flowers, and that moment reminded me of Clarissa Vaughn in The Hours. By confronting those truths in a public, unexpected way, we being to realize that she is setting herself free. Her weaving around the streets of Hong Kong with a new rug for her new life seems like a small moment, but it’s a big stepping stone for her. She says hello to people on the street, and her clothes are different.
“With her being as poised and presenting this pristine image to the world, she knows she has to do that or everything else falls apart,” Blue says. “When we meet her, it’s the beginning of the thread unraveling. Her friendship with Margaret is cracked, her marriage is just holding on, and, as we keep going, we start to realize that she’s at this point where she can’t hold on anymore. Hilary is trying to hold onto this chasm right until she gets into the elevator with Brinder, and the explosion happens. It all just comes out. What I love about that particular episode, especially with the makeup monologue, is that she will still be as contained as possible. We didn’t even let it all out fully, so, at that moment, everything is underneath, and it’s slowly coming out of her. When Hilary says, ‘How could I know–I was only four.’ You see the glimmer of a child–I still get emotional when I think about that line. Our little kid selves are just zipped up in our adult bodies. I feel so much that we are watching an adult woman growing up, and there is this idea that we hit thirty and we know what to do. Adults still have so many questions. When she gets to episode six with the rug, Hilary is wearing color. She’s wearing color and is wearing sneakers. Hilary is free, and she doesn’t have to ask permission or ask questions. I will forever love Hilary–she’s all of us.”
In one of the final sequences of the season, Margaret, Ji-young Yoon and Blue come together to speak truths to one another. It feels like we are in the ultimate safe space, or as if these women had a higher calling to meet one another. We don’t know who is asking the questions sometimes, but Hilary says, ‘You are not betraying anyone by trying to live a better life.’ It’s something that we wonder if she will tell herself now for the rest of her life.
“It was complicated to film actually with all of the emotion,” Blue reveals. ‘You have to keep it specific enough to make the audience think that you know who you are talking to but the audience doesn’t. There is a duality happening for the concept to work. I found the balance tricky to thread, but I love that people had such a visceral reaction to it. I never direct while I am acting, and I was so thankful to how Lulu kept the guiding posts clear for that entire sequence. I love seeing it.”
Expats is streaming now on Prime Video.
